Do you ever wish you could just turn off your feelings? Like not all of them obviously – I’ve got all the time in the world to try a new flavour combination, or savour my first sip of coffee for the day, and I love the rush of love I have whenever I see my pets. But I am pretty f***ing sick and tired of feeling whatever this feeling is whenever anyone brings up You Know Who.
Is it jealousy? Anger? Sadness? Heartbreak? Do I feel left out? Alone? Scared? Yeah, I probably feel all of these things. All at once. And that can be pretty tough to endure sometimes. Hence why I wish I could just turn those feelings off when they come out to play.
Sure, I’m getting better – when I hear the name I don’t tear up. I don’t feel anger for the way our relationship played out, or ended. It ended nicely. But the more I think about it and reflect, I realise that it was over for him a lot earlier than it was for me. And I think that makes all the difference.
By the time we broke up, I suspect he had come to terms with it, dealt with it in his head and sorted out the emotions associated. While I had obviously thought about it, it was still one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do and driving away from him that night was only possible with the thought that we would stay friends. We would make it work, even if others hadn’t been so successful, we still loved each other and we would be there for each other even if we weren’t ‘together’.
Fast forward however many months now – I don’t want to think about how long its been and why I’m not f***ing over it yet – and I wouldn’t classify him as a friend. I never hear from him. He doesn’t wish me a happy birthday (does a half-hearted reply to my birthday wish with “hope ya had a good day” count?), a happy graduation, nothing. He doesn’t check in to see how work or life or my family is. He does not make contact.
And while we all probably need a little (or a lot) of space after a breakup, having someone pretend like you don’t exist is pretty painful. Having your best friend go from boyfriend, to friend, to absolutely nothing hurts.
We are not even strangers – strangers would probably say hello on the street. I don’t know if that would happen now. I don’t know much about him anymore; people tell me he’s changed a lot. But am I just encouraging that to make myself feel better? Who knows. All I know is I’m feeling a lot of things right now and I would pay a lot of money to be able to turn that off sometimes.